Legends of Lust

Hubba hubba! This is my second read by Autumn Bardot (I read Confessions of a Sheba Queen a few months ago) and I was NOT disappointed! I'm a relative newbie when it comes to erotica but I have always adored short stories and myths so this collection was gold for me! Bardot spins lusty tales out of many classic myths that readers know and love as well as introducing many tales that were new to me. From Africa to Japan to India to Egpyt to Ireland to America and more; there is something for everyone! Every tale is steamy, seductive, and deliciously naughty. In one story a faerie demands a toll from virgins passing through his woods; but what happens when he falls for one of the maidens? In another an Amazon goddess falls for a mortal man who knows how to do magical things to her body. In yet another one, the Native American trickster god, Kokopelli, seduces and impregnates young willing women while showing them a thing or two about pleasure. Each story is better than the next. A marvelous collection!

Hot to the Touch

Talk about steamy!! This collection of erotic stories centers on polyamory and the ensuing fun that can be had. All stories are exceptionally well written and some include quite a bit of build up and insightful view into the lifestyle. As a person in a monogamous relationship, it was pretty eye opening! From married couples to poly families this collection of erotica sizzles right off the page! From a widow looking for her lost dog to a woman on a work trip to speed dating to naughty adventures in a limo (and a train!); this collection has quite an assortment of good ol' naughty fun. Each story is unique, sexy, and unforgettable. A great collection of erotica and not just for those into the polyamory lifestyle!

Confessions of a Sheba Queen

Sultry, seductive, and wonderfully written; this Historical erotica was impeccably researched and wonderfully naughty. Unable to put this down, I finished it in one day!

Bilqis, a beautiful young woman is half Jinn and with it comes the powers of seduction. Hidden in a small desert town in the ancient lands of Saba, Bilqis and her mother are comfortable and happy. When her Jinn mother is brutally murdered under the orders of a corrupt King, Bilqis knows it's time to chase her destiny. As a young child an oracle foretold great things about her and now it's time to see if they will come true. Bilqis seeks vengeance  so she decides to travel to the capital using her feminine wiles to exact revenge and gain new friends and lovers along the way. Achingly beautiful, witty, and in full command of her body (as well as everyone elses) Bilqis is admired by all (even her enemies want to bed her rather than kill her). Filled with trysts, conquests, surrenders, and blush inducing scenes; this is one of the best eroticas I've read in years! I look forward to reading more of Autumn Bardot's historical erotic romances!

Petal Plucker

I loved the concept of this and got a huge kick out of all the flower puns. What's not to love about florist erotica? My only beef with it, is the same beef I have with nearly all erotica. So much of it is so damn unbelievable. A 26 year old virgin has the most orgasmic sex of her life and is suddenly the most horny sex goddess in the world! She picks up on everything INSTANTLY! Other than that, I didn't hate the plot. A cute, quirky girl who runs her parent's flower shop runs into the boy who stood her up for prom and now he's working at his parent's RIVAL FLOWER SHOP! Duh duh duh. Obviously sparks fly! She loses her virginity! She makes beautiful flower arrangements! Her judgmental cat decides she likes him! There is a misunderstanding! All the usual tropes, with more humor and candor than most. I think I'm just cynical; there wasn't really anything wrong with this erotica; maybe I just need to take a breather and go back to true crime for a while.

The Mister

I did this to myself. No-one forced me to read this, but I said "screw it" and threw caution to the wind. I knew better, I had read the 50 Shades trilogy. In the back of my head, I thought, maybe she's improved, maybe all the fame helped her get better editors and better ideas. I was wrong. So wrong. The Mister makes 50 Shades look like a damn masterpiece. This was somehow far worse than 50 Shades; I honestly didn't know that could be possible. The Mister features a WEALTHY LORD (named Maxim... are you kidding me?!?!) who starts to fall for his new maid, Alessia. Alessia escaped from some "shady shit" in Albania and she is in London illegally. She hasn't been around for very long and is soo naive! She is literally screaming damsel in distress. Maxim is a rich playboy who bones a different woman every night of the week. Then he sees his new maid and becomes infatuated with her and helps save her from the "shady shit" that's following her from Albania. He wants to "keep her safe" and "keep her to himself." They soon start shagging and he's even a gentleman and takes her virginity... All the while, Alessia is so naive she doesn't even know that the man she has been cleaning for/making love to, is a Lord. I mean, for fucking real?!?!!?! Since it's E.L. James there is a ton of steamy sex (that's perfect every time - I mean a virgin who gets the hang of it that quick?! How neat!). If you're looking for a story that is short on plot and heavy on unrealistic sex, then this is the book for you. I'm tired of reading about naive dumb girls that need a man to rescue them and show them around a bedroom. Next!

The Dirty Book Club

Surprisingly uplifting and humorous, this book (albeit a bit over the top) was pretty darn adorable. The friendships, book selections, and setting were so much fun. MJ has been living a fast paced life of work, work, more work, with a tiny bit time set aside for her long distance boyfriend. When she is passed over for a promotion that she rightfully deserves MJ decides to pack some bags and stay the summer with her hunky boyfriend in California, lord knows she has enough vacation time piled up. While beach-side she becomes restless, unsure what to do with herself. She's never had this much free time in her life. She befriends her elderly neighbor but before she can get too chummy, her neighbor up and moves to Paris. So much for a friendship. Gloria does leave behind one thing though. An invitation to join a secret book club, one that reads only dirty books. MJ's curiosity gets the better of her and she decides to go to one one meeting. Little does she know that her summer is about to drastically change and she might meet the best friends of her life. Chick-lit at its finest.

Fifty Shades Freed

Sweet baby Jesus it's over. I finished the damned trilogy. Many people assured me that this was their favorite one because it had the most action. Hell, the most action was still the sex scenes! There is a "minor" kidnapping drama that is solved in about ten pages, but other than that it's ALL BONING! Rubbing uglies. Naked dancing. Bam-bam in the ham. Knocking boots. Making whoopee. Riding the Bony Express. Hanky panky. You get the picture. Gobs and gobs of sex. Luckily for Ana married sex is still just as great and they're still finding ways to spice it up. That's right folks, after two books we finally get to ass play!! We learn that Ana has no idea how to clean a butt plug and that Christian expects the cleaning lady to clean his dirty toys.... barf. Ana has also accidentally forgotten to take her monthly birth control shot. Oopsie daisy. Too bad they didn't just stick to butt sex because now she's knocked up. And oh no, Christian is gonna flip, they've only been married for like a minute! Just as she suspects he freaks the fuck out, gets drunk sees his old dominatrix and friendly neighborhood child molester and gives Ana the cold shoulder. Then she gets kidnapped, Christian feels terrible, Ana gets saved, their relationship returns to perfect and they end up happily ever after with a bundle of kids. Psh, yeah right. I can't wait to see how this one plays out in the movies. I'm just glad I finished this trilogy and can finally move on with my life.

50 Shades Darker

"Oh my." That little statement not only summarizes my feelings on this book but was also uttered FIFTY-EIGHT times by Anna throughout this train-wreck of a book! FIFTY-EIGHT! If you think that is a tad excessive, the word "murmur" is used 251 times. But I digress, let me get to the book. If you thought Christian Grey was controlling and domineering in the first book, hold on to your butts because he gets even worse in this one! Ana and Christian get back together within the first like, second, of this book. He vows to change his ways and not be a sadist bully if it means that she'll stay with him. He need someone other than his shrink to tell him he has a good heart. He divulges to Ana that he was beaten as a child and his mom was a crack whore. So now he likes to beat women that look like his mom. NO.BIG DEAL. TOTALLY NORMAL. She is a little scared, but mostly of her love for him. She can look past these things because he's going to change for her.... fat chance bitch! This book is basically one giant sex scene. They're straight up rabbits! She is literally wet ALL THE TIME! Seriously, she's like an over chlorinated pool filled with raging sex hormones. Would she even love Christian if he didn't have a big dick and no how to use it? Doubtful. Their whole relationship is about sex. And him ordering her about. Also included in this book, is an ex-sub who is up to no good (and she has a gun permit, oh my!), a helicopter crash, a boss who gets fired for sexual harassment, a shitty marriage proposal, and more sex... Sigh, on to the final book!

50 Shades of Grey

Ok... This is my second time re-reading it. SECOND!! That's not a brag either, it's more like self-inflicted torture for the sake of .... seeing the movies... Go ahead and judge me. It can't be any worse than I'm judging myself. I read this six years ago and for posterity, I have the review that naive, grad student me, wrote preserved down below (read at your own risk). As I've "grown up" my opinions have definitely changed so here's my take on the book... WHAT THE HELL?! This is the most abusive, fucked up relationship ever!! Christian Grey is such a douche-canoe and Ana is literally the dumbest, most naive, un-confident, doormat. All Christian Grey has going for him is his good looks and money. There is nothing redeeming or sexy about his personality. He's controlling, abusive, inconsiderate, and the biggest stalker ever! Just imagine this story featured a man in a trailer park that was unattractive, broke, into BDSM, had a tendency for stalking, and had a red room of pain..... not so hot huh?!?! Christian Grey buys his way into Ana's life (with cars, computers, $14,000 first edition books, you name it) and tries to inflict his lifestyle on her even though she's a virgin (she's never been attracted to another man before...... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?). She quickly tosses away her v-card and tentatively agrees to try out the whips, chains, and hand cuffs. For someone so inexperienced (never even masturbated... bitch please, you just graduated college!) she starts dropping orgasms all over the place, like 15 a day. Super realistic. She's madly in love with him so she'll do whatever it takes to make Christian love her back. Even if it means doing shit she's uncomfortable with. Christian isn't into "love" or "vanilla," he only gets off by inflicting pain and having others obey his every command. He blames it on his "tortured past." Ana is convinced that she can change him and they can have a real relationship.... because that's realistic. Ugh.... this book is mommy porn and if you want erotica there is soo much better shit out there. Shit that features HEALTHY relationships. Christian is so over the top, don't even get me started on his obsession with making Ana eat. He doesn't shut up about her eating habits. Leave the girl alone! You're gonna give that dumb bitch an eating disorder! The most unrealistic part about this book however, is the part where an Ana, an English major, gets a job immediately after graduation.... WITH AN ENGLISH DEGREE. I can't anymore. Read at your own peril.

Review from 2012:
Wow. I don't even know where to start on this one. My first comment is on the highly misleading award on the back, "A GoodReads Choice Award Finalist for Best Romance." This book is not exactly what you would call "romantic." Erotic, check. Sensual, check. Sexually charged, check. Romantic, no. That being said I did enjoy the book and knew what I was getting myself into. After no less than three of my close friends chastised me for not reading this book I knew I had to make it a priority. It's definitely a compelling read, you have to find out more. You can't stop reading. It's maddingly addictive. The story follows young Anastasia as she falls head over heels for sexy billionaire Christian Grey who wants to do nothing more than punish her. They form an odd relationship that is quite erotic (as fitting with Christian's tastes) and Anastasia struggles to come to terms with their different notions of love and what makes an appropriate relationship. Of course I will be reading the next two in the trilogy. It's too damn good to put down. This is a great book, but not a light read or for those faint of heart. If you embarrass easily please don't read in public, you'll find yourself blushing every other page. Enjoy!!

Hood Tales

This book was slightly ridiculous in the best way possible. Just like the title promises this book contains some hood tales, more specifically gangsta versions on Cinderella and Robin Hood. It's full of steamy sex scenes, drugs, money, strippers, players, men with gold hearts (and chains). In Maid for You, Ava Dunning goes out for a night on the town, all dressed up, wig on, with sexy red thigh high boots. When shots are fired at the club she is wrenched away from Prince Charming and loses a boot in the process. How will this charming young drug lord ever find her?!?! Robin the Hood is about double crosses, murder, and robbery. High stakes all around. It's 90% erotica, 10% plot, and 100% fun You get lines like, " She was so wet that, mixed with her loud moans, there was a sound similar to a big pot of macaroni and cheese being stirred." Seriously read this. I really hope there are more volumes. These bitches are bad ass!

Hardwired

This seemed soo similar to 50 Shades of Grey to me. Not because it's erotica, but because it's about a young hot inexperienced college graduate (with a few problems in her past) who is relying on a super attractive billionaire to fund her fledgling start up. Of course they get involved. Of course he's controlling. Of course he's AMAZING in bed. Of course he is going to school Erica in the ways of business and lovemaking. Lots of hot unbelievable sex scenes, followed by even more unbelievable plot. It ends on a cliffhanger to make you want to finish the rest of the series. Didn't work for me though. If it keeps up the similar story-line to 50 Shades, I know exactly where it's headed. A nice steamy, brainless read.

Hands on the Wheel

This wasn't really written poorly or lacking of a plot, the only reason I gave it 2 stars is that it's essentially fan fiction for 50 Shades of Grey. Instead of a hot millionaire dom, we have an attractive older truck driver. Instead of a naive young college student, we have a 42 year old hot divorced naive waitress with an ex who stalks her. Hank may not have a pleasure room but he has a pleasure cab with a bag full of toys that he used to use on his wife. Since his wife died, he's been alone and horny, but when he stops in Chugwater to eat he lays his eyes on the sexiest waitress and he knows he has to have her. Lucky for him she's looking to escape her ex-husband so she agrees to do whatever he wants in order to go on the road with him for a week (whatever he wants!! at this point they haven't even boned yet! she has no idea what's in store!). She wants to learn to drive a rig, plus she's super attracted to Hank, so she figures what the hell. Once they get on the road they start having lots of kinky sex (lots of butt play, high heels, and spanking) and they find that they might actually be falling for each other. For fans of truckers and erotica.

Buttception: A Butt Within a Butt Within a Butt

I didn't know a 34 page book could be soo inspiring and so over the top bizarre, but I should have known better because... Chuck Tingle. Buttception contains three "novellas" that are all loosely connected. I'll try my best to wrap these up (ha) quickly and neatly and convince you to read this in the process (because why wouldn't you?!?).

Anally Yours, The Unicorn Sailor
Tuck has just been dumped by his girlfriend and everything sucks until he spies a strapping male unicorn sailor on his walk. Before he knows what he's doing he goes over to talk to the unicorn and asks him to dinner. There is immediate connection and sparks are flying, but much to Tuck's dismay the unicorn has to leave that very night to set sail on a year long sea voyage. They promise to write to each other and they do. Their letters get more and more passionate, "Just below his signature, Hunter [the gay unicorn] has left the pink marking of his puckered butthole, pressed against the page in a perfect starfish after applying a liberal helping of lipstick." Finally they re reunited and have passionate gay unicorn sex on the beach. As a surprise the unicorn (who has suddenly become a billionaire) buys a private island for the two of them and the only other inhabitants are a bunch of worker clones who resemble the unlikely lovers.

Pounded in Butt by My Own Butt
Kirk is a scientist trying to replicate the success that the gay unicorn had in making working drones. After dozens of failed attempts and a mixture of his DNA, a hawk, and a piece of his butt he is finally able to create a clone! His gorgeous butt has beautiful wings and a great sense of humor. Kirk can't believe he's falling for his own butt. After one date they decide they want to try anal. Because who doesn't want to pound their own butt? "...I push my living ass down onto the bes and watch as he spreads his majestic wings out behind him. For a living butt, his physique is quite impressive and I laugh out loud when I realize that I'm only complimenting myself." They live happily after after.

Pounded in the Butt By My Own Book "Pounded in the Butt My My Own Butt"
Buck Trungle is sick and tired of being sick and tired. He's a lonely author that can't get out of the shadow of all the books he's authored. One day he discovers that he's getting sued, by his own book! Pounded in the Butt By My Own Butt just wants some recognition, how come the author gets all the credit? Where are his royalties? The two decide to meet up without lawyers to see what they can do. Instead they find themselves instantly attracted to each other. One thing leads to another and suddenly the author is boning hos won book. "...my book pulls out of me and I drop down onto the floor before him, kneeling in tribute before my alpha book lover.

Addicted

Full of sex and scadal and written slightly better than "50 Shades of Grey" this erotica would have appealed to me more had there not been copious amounts of cheating and ridiculous plot twists at the end. On the surface Zoe has the perfect life: an adoring husband, a great job, a huge house, and wonderful kids. She loves her husband but their sex life is very lacking. From an early age Zoe was fascinated with sex, she couldn't wait to do it. She finally lost her virginity to her childhood sweatheart (now husband) and has always been faithful (yet unfulfilled) until she meets a young artist who sweeps her off her feet and and into the bedroom. She doesn't love him, but for the first time in her life her sexual needs are being met. Soon she gets another lover, and then another. And she realizes that her addiction to sex is spiraling out of control. She loves her husband, but she loves sex too. Zoe decides to finally get help, but from there things only get more complicated. The end is a little much, but I still want to see the movie adaptation of it.

Bear

Thanks to this wonderful Buzzfeed article, https://www.buzzfeed.com/maribackpack/is-marian-engels-1976-novel-bear-the-most-ridic-1eyhw, I found myself hopelessly intrigued by this Canadian bestselling bestiality erotica. So like a responsible librarian I placed it on hold and read it in one sitting. This book almost defies description. Only in Canada could a book about a lonely librarian taking on a bear as a lover become a bestseller and win major literary awards. I mean, to be fair, it was written well and there weren't too many bear on girl action scenes but still. My God Canada, what is going on! Although, I got duped into reading it so maybe they're onto something. For fans of Canadian ridiculous, bear lovers, and bestiality loving librarians.

Nookietown

The cover was the greatest thing about this book; the story line was just too implausible, even Hollywood would have a hard time making this believable. Basically this super-over-the-top-horny-divorced-mom is dying to get laid. She has decided that there are no men in their forties that are safe, std free, and unwilling to be in a relationship so she jokingly tells her married friends that she needs to start boning her married friend's husbands. One of her friends decides to take her up on her joke offer to jump start her and her spouses sex life, next thing you know a business is born. This is essentially 50 Shades of Gray for mom in their thirties and forties. There are lots of sex scenes, masturbation, and bitter diatribes about marriage; a win for everyone! Personally not my cup of tea, I could not suspend belief long enough to make this story work.

Real

This was beyond cheesy, it jumped off the deep end, belly-flopping into the unbelievable. Brooke is convinced by her super cool friends to attend an underground boxing match and while there she encounters, Mr. Man Meat, Remington Tate. From the moment he lays eyes on her he knows he has to have her. So he bullies her into giving him her number, stalks her online, discover she's an athletic trainer, and "hires her" for the next three months. There's lots of sexual tension around them and at first Brooke doesn't care, but the more she watches his rippling muscles in action the more she wants him. He's a hot tempered maniac, and she's a former Olympic has been, match made in heaven. There's a couple of steamy hot sex scenes, but most of the book just talks about how wet Brooke's panties get watching Remington. It's over the top, the sex is super unbelievable, and hell so is the whole premise and romance.

Exposed

An erotic tale that hints at being a little more than that, a memoir perhaps? Jessica Love is not only the narrator, she is the author, and nothing pleases her more than teasing the reader. Jessica recounts her early days, her college experiences, and meeting her husband. But her story doesn't start to get really juicy until she and her husband Mark decide to take their love life to the next level. They venture into Seattle's sex scene by going to a very kinky nightclub. At first they don't engage anyone but each other, but after a couple months they become a little more adventuresome and Mark elicits help from some very willing strangers. Jessica, doesn't mind, in fact she's thrilled by all the extra attention her body receives. Mark, on the other hand has a harder time dealing with it. They become estranged and both throw themselves into their work (they're both attorneys) doing what they can to forget about each other. On a whim Jessica decides to go back to the club alone, little knowing the impact it would have on her life.

While this book clearly has erotic elements, there is much more to the story than that. It's a memoir filled with suspense, the narrator blithely hinting at the craziness to come. An air of mystery builds as Jessica suffers one set back after another til the final crippling blow arrives. Unlike other erotic tales this story also has a major family component (and no not incest you perv!), Jessica is very attached to her French grandmother and builds her life (and her walls) along the advice of her grandmother.

I'll admit, I was surprised the complexity of the character and the depth of the story. It went well beyond sex and there actually was a plot. Good for fans of erotic suspense or people looking for an introduction to erotica. It wasn't too hardcore or overbearing (and the sex was mostly believable).

I received this book for free from the publisher in return for my honest, unbiased opinion.