The Mister

I did this to myself. No-one forced me to read this, but I said "screw it" and threw caution to the wind. I knew better, I had read the 50 Shades trilogy. In the back of my head, I thought, maybe she's improved, maybe all the fame helped her get better editors and better ideas. I was wrong. So wrong. The Mister makes 50 Shades look like a damn masterpiece. This was somehow far worse than 50 Shades; I honestly didn't know that could be possible. The Mister features a WEALTHY LORD (named Maxim... are you kidding me?!?!) who starts to fall for his new maid, Alessia. Alessia escaped from some "shady shit" in Albania and she is in London illegally. She hasn't been around for very long and is soo naive! She is literally screaming damsel in distress. Maxim is a rich playboy who bones a different woman every night of the week. Then he sees his new maid and becomes infatuated with her and helps save her from the "shady shit" that's following her from Albania. He wants to "keep her safe" and "keep her to himself." They soon start shagging and he's even a gentleman and takes her virginity... All the while, Alessia is so naive she doesn't even know that the man she has been cleaning for/making love to, is a Lord. I mean, for fucking real?!?!!?! Since it's E.L. James there is a ton of steamy sex (that's perfect every time - I mean a virgin who gets the hang of it that quick?! How neat!). If you're looking for a story that is short on plot and heavy on unrealistic sex, then this is the book for you. I'm tired of reading about naive dumb girls that need a man to rescue them and show them around a bedroom. Next!

Fifty Shades Freed

Sweet baby Jesus it's over. I finished the damned trilogy. Many people assured me that this was their favorite one because it had the most action. Hell, the most action was still the sex scenes! There is a "minor" kidnapping drama that is solved in about ten pages, but other than that it's ALL BONING! Rubbing uglies. Naked dancing. Bam-bam in the ham. Knocking boots. Making whoopee. Riding the Bony Express. Hanky panky. You get the picture. Gobs and gobs of sex. Luckily for Ana married sex is still just as great and they're still finding ways to spice it up. That's right folks, after two books we finally get to ass play!! We learn that Ana has no idea how to clean a butt plug and that Christian expects the cleaning lady to clean his dirty toys.... barf. Ana has also accidentally forgotten to take her monthly birth control shot. Oopsie daisy. Too bad they didn't just stick to butt sex because now she's knocked up. And oh no, Christian is gonna flip, they've only been married for like a minute! Just as she suspects he freaks the fuck out, gets drunk sees his old dominatrix and friendly neighborhood child molester and gives Ana the cold shoulder. Then she gets kidnapped, Christian feels terrible, Ana gets saved, their relationship returns to perfect and they end up happily ever after with a bundle of kids. Psh, yeah right. I can't wait to see how this one plays out in the movies. I'm just glad I finished this trilogy and can finally move on with my life.

50 Shades Darker

"Oh my." That little statement not only summarizes my feelings on this book but was also uttered FIFTY-EIGHT times by Anna throughout this train-wreck of a book! FIFTY-EIGHT! If you think that is a tad excessive, the word "murmur" is used 251 times. But I digress, let me get to the book. If you thought Christian Grey was controlling and domineering in the first book, hold on to your butts because he gets even worse in this one! Ana and Christian get back together within the first like, second, of this book. He vows to change his ways and not be a sadist bully if it means that she'll stay with him. He need someone other than his shrink to tell him he has a good heart. He divulges to Ana that he was beaten as a child and his mom was a crack whore. So now he likes to beat women that look like his mom. NO.BIG DEAL. TOTALLY NORMAL. She is a little scared, but mostly of her love for him. She can look past these things because he's going to change for her.... fat chance bitch! This book is basically one giant sex scene. They're straight up rabbits! She is literally wet ALL THE TIME! Seriously, she's like an over chlorinated pool filled with raging sex hormones. Would she even love Christian if he didn't have a big dick and no how to use it? Doubtful. Their whole relationship is about sex. And him ordering her about. Also included in this book, is an ex-sub who is up to no good (and she has a gun permit, oh my!), a helicopter crash, a boss who gets fired for sexual harassment, a shitty marriage proposal, and more sex... Sigh, on to the final book!

50 Shades of Grey

Ok... This is my second time re-reading it. SECOND!! That's not a brag either, it's more like self-inflicted torture for the sake of .... seeing the movies... Go ahead and judge me. It can't be any worse than I'm judging myself. I read this six years ago and for posterity, I have the review that naive, grad student me, wrote preserved down below (read at your own risk). As I've "grown up" my opinions have definitely changed so here's my take on the book... WHAT THE HELL?! This is the most abusive, fucked up relationship ever!! Christian Grey is such a douche-canoe and Ana is literally the dumbest, most naive, un-confident, doormat. All Christian Grey has going for him is his good looks and money. There is nothing redeeming or sexy about his personality. He's controlling, abusive, inconsiderate, and the biggest stalker ever! Just imagine this story featured a man in a trailer park that was unattractive, broke, into BDSM, had a tendency for stalking, and had a red room of pain..... not so hot huh?!?! Christian Grey buys his way into Ana's life (with cars, computers, $14,000 first edition books, you name it) and tries to inflict his lifestyle on her even though she's a virgin (she's never been attracted to another man before...... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?). She quickly tosses away her v-card and tentatively agrees to try out the whips, chains, and hand cuffs. For someone so inexperienced (never even masturbated... bitch please, you just graduated college!) she starts dropping orgasms all over the place, like 15 a day. Super realistic. She's madly in love with him so she'll do whatever it takes to make Christian love her back. Even if it means doing shit she's uncomfortable with. Christian isn't into "love" or "vanilla," he only gets off by inflicting pain and having others obey his every command. He blames it on his "tortured past." Ana is convinced that she can change him and they can have a real relationship.... because that's realistic. Ugh.... this book is mommy porn and if you want erotica there is soo much better shit out there. Shit that features HEALTHY relationships. Christian is so over the top, don't even get me started on his obsession with making Ana eat. He doesn't shut up about her eating habits. Leave the girl alone! You're gonna give that dumb bitch an eating disorder! The most unrealistic part about this book however, is the part where an Ana, an English major, gets a job immediately after graduation.... WITH AN ENGLISH DEGREE. I can't anymore. Read at your own peril.

Review from 2012:
Wow. I don't even know where to start on this one. My first comment is on the highly misleading award on the back, "A GoodReads Choice Award Finalist for Best Romance." This book is not exactly what you would call "romantic." Erotic, check. Sensual, check. Sexually charged, check. Romantic, no. That being said I did enjoy the book and knew what I was getting myself into. After no less than three of my close friends chastised me for not reading this book I knew I had to make it a priority. It's definitely a compelling read, you have to find out more. You can't stop reading. It's maddingly addictive. The story follows young Anastasia as she falls head over heels for sexy billionaire Christian Grey who wants to do nothing more than punish her. They form an odd relationship that is quite erotic (as fitting with Christian's tastes) and Anastasia struggles to come to terms with their different notions of love and what makes an appropriate relationship. Of course I will be reading the next two in the trilogy. It's too damn good to put down. This is a great book, but not a light read or for those faint of heart. If you embarrass easily please don't read in public, you'll find yourself blushing every other page. Enjoy!!